Marriage is a new thing for me and my husband, obviously. Its ups and downs sometimes made me wondering about life and started questioning my decision in the first place like, “are we that young to be married? Did I make the right call? What was my purpose, once again? Is he bored?” etc. And life is full of surprises after we got married, and it got us. Especially me, it gets to my nerve every-damn-time. I’ve always been all by myself. I’ve had experienced living with someone else when I went through clinical rotation, but that was not for a long period of time.
In the womb and born alone, growing up with no siblings, went to sleep and woke up all by myself, and with all of the attention, love, foods, facilities, spaces were all for me, only me. But now I’ve to share e-ve-ry-thing with my husband 24/7, with no “escape room”, no more “me time” like when I was still single. And my queen sized bed isn’t seem that big now *sigh*.
Having someone beside me 24/7 is a tiring experience yet it’s so exciting. There are SO many things to learn after we got married. And the first thing first was to get use to each other’s presence. The mood instability, the habbits, the morning routines, the eating schedule, the sleeping positions, the food preferences, the AC temperature, the on-or-off sleeping lamp, the music volume, etc. It was stressful in the first three weeks of our marriage, at least for me, and we often fight over little things. And most of it was because of the “telepathy” that we did. We rarely spoke what we truly wanted from each other, we do expect on each other instead. And that was a total disaster when the expectations didn’t meet the reality. And we didn’t have the “escape room”, it was too stressful for both of us, that we have to discuss every single thing right away, with a high pitch and tone and volume. It was insane. And that’s what they called the culture shock.
But as the time goes by, the rain stops, and the rainbow shows up. Believe in God’s will, believe in yourself, believe in your husband, and everything will be okay.
Here are some of the things both of us still learning that might help you too:
Never talk about what you want to yourself, or even worst to your mom or your bestfriends, talk to your husband instead. Never do a telepathy unless you do have the sixth sense and he does. But NEVER ruin your happy and romantic time together by communicating a sensitive matter. In a sunny day with no works to do and no schedule for the following three hours, sit him down on the couch, play some music both of you enjoy, make him Iced Dum-dum Thai Green Tea, and a bit of chips, and start to talk.
If the purpose of the talk is for the shake of the heart, then the words should come from love.
2. DON’T Expect
Nothing worth comes easy, and marriage won’t last unless you work it out together. Say you’re sorry and make an improvement after every arguments. Say thank you and appreciate more after he helped you, even the smallest thing he did like asking what food you want to eat for dinner and order it via gojek right away or give him the ultimate kisses after he helped you washing the dishes by his initiative. Say please and put a smile on your face before asking for his help. But never, NEVER, expect him to do the same as you do. Maybe he has his own way to say his sorry, to express the “thank you” word and to ask you for help. Whatever it is, appreciate his actions with no expectations. At all.
3. Be Tolerant
Don’t get angry easily over a small thing. Whenever you’re about to raise your voice, always thing about his side and tell yourself that, “both of us are still learning. And it’s okay, he’ll get use to it someday, and I’ll get use to it someday”.
4. Laugh at Everything
It really is the bond to my marriage, I personally think. We laugh over the cheapest things, and even in between our fights. Try to laugh at the problems and it will be solved by itself. No, kidding. At least you have a room to breathe for a second and have the chance to lowering your blood pressure.
5. Fight Hard but Love Harder
Arguing or debating or fighting or hurting or crying in the marriage life is very common, since two different person trying to live together in harmony and forever. Fight until you have no energy left, debate until you have no arguments left, then go to sleep, BUT never say terrible things to your husband during the fight. NEVER. Focus on the main problems and never try to hurt his feelings by throwing awful words towards him. And after you wake up, say good morning and try to communicate heart to heart about the problem both of you faced in the night before. One thing for sure, you don’t have to solve every problem on the same day, or immediately. No need to rush it. The most important thing is your heart and his.
6. Time Out and Escape Space
Give both of you spaces and a time out whenever the storm comes. Let him do what he wants to do whenever he’s feeling underpressure. And so do you. Go to sleep or shop or YouTube Channel, or blog or anything. Don’t speak if you have no solutions to offer. Don’t talk if you think you can’t lower your voice and you’ll lose control if he replies. Let the heart cool down, let the waves in your brain connects everything to help you to figure things out. And start to talk when both of you are ready.
Those six points are the things that we’re (mostly me) still learning and trying to figure out. I’m not an expert. I cried too, I yelled too, I said terrible-horrible things too. And that was not okay at all. At this point I want to share the things I’ve learnt and still learning to you, and to be a reminder to myself about the things I wrote on the above.
And oh! The key of marriage is to be patience, they said. Thanks for reading ;)